Am I Crazy? Or Is He? – How Addiction Warps Us

Silver-Linings-Playbook-Image-03

From the film “Silver Lining Playbook” about mental illness

He was already high when I picked him up from the bus station to bring him home.

I’d hoped after a month in jail he’d be clean and sober and ready to make a fresh start on the road to recovery. That’s why we were letting him stay with us. He had nowhere else to go, and we wanted him to be safe until we could get him into rehab.

But it was already too late for safe, for clean, for a fresh start.

I could have refused to bring him home, of course. I could have left him at the bus stop. But I didn’t. I had my suspicions, but I wasn’t absolutely certain he was high.

I was sure a couple of days later though when, after I refused to give him a ride into town, he disappeared in the middle of the night for a couple of hours. Then the next morning he came bouncing out of his room full of sunshine, slathering me with kisses, enveloping me in big bear hugs, feeling good, feeling motivated, feeling like he could move mountains.

And seeing him that way, I wanted to drop to my knees in tears.

When I shared my disappointment, when I explained how his hyper-happiness was like a punch in the gut, he asked, incredulous: “Would you rather see me depressed?”

Would I? I had to think about that. Would I rather see him depressed?

I can’t explain to him why seeing him high is so traumatic for me. It would be too hurtful. It’s already hurtful to him, that I’m crying while he’s feeling so good, so hopeful, so motivated. He’s working out, getting in shape. He’s sorting through all his old bags of clothes stored in the closet, organizing them, doing laundry. He’s reading his spiritual books, The Four Agreements and The Tao of Sobriety, listening to Ram Dass and other gurus on YouTube. He’s calling the Medi-Cal office trying to get a doctor’s appointment so he can get a prescription for Suboxane.

He’s doing all the things I want him to do and should be praising him for doing. But I look at him and just want to bawl. Or scream.

He doesn’t get it. How could he?

In a way, it’s like I have my old son back, my real son. That tender, sweet, intelligent, humorous, fun-loving, energetic guy. I see the son I love so much, but it’s like I’m viewing him through a veil of flickering flames, and he’s a twisted, distorted, fun-house version of himself.

For the drugs make him twitchy. All of his movements are jerky, disjointed. He’s bouncing off the wall, knocking over furniture, breaking things he touches. His facial expressions and body movements are exaggerated, wild, out-of-control. He looks, seems, weird, bizarre, even while he’s hugging, helping, talking about important things we need to talk about.

In fact, he can’t stop talking. He talks to me from behind the bathroom door, from down the hall, from across the house. And when he isn’t talking he’s making weird noises, moans, laughs, grunts, excited exclamations, and incoherent muttering. He’s giving me or himself a running commentary about everything he’s doing, every thought that pops into his head.

I want to hide in the closet with a pillow over my ears and a fist in my mouth to keep from screaming.

But I don’t. He’s happy. My son is happy.

He’s feeling good about himself, hopeful about the future, trying to do what he thinks will please me. He’s practically begging for approval, for affirmation. He’s constantly looking for me to agree with him, to nod my approval, to say “that’s good, that’s right, what a great idea, aren’t you wonderful.” And if I don’t make the right noises at the right time, he’s hurt, wounded.

“What’s wrong? Don’t you love me? Aren’t you happy I’m happy?” I can almost hear him saying.

“Do you want me to be depressed?”

It’s not a matter of “wanting” though. It’s coming. Whether I want it or not. Dangerously Depressed lives right around the corner from Hyper-Happy, and it’s coming.

Within the next few days, rather than bouncing out of his room full of sunshine in the morning, he’ll be curled like a fetus in his bed with the covers pulled over his head. One bare foot will be sticking out jerking like a jack-hammer. He’ll pull the covers down far enough so I see his hot, hard, furious eyes peering out like an angry rooster, as he shouts at me to get out! out! out!

But even this is better than what comes next–Mad Maniac. This is when he roars up and storms around the house, and slams doors and curses, and gets into my face and tries to get me to take him into town so he can get another fix.

Or not. Maybe all that won’t happen this time. Maybe it won’t be that bad. Maybe.

But I’m worried. It’s the old pattern re-emerging, the way it’s played out too many times before. The crazy times, I think of them. That’s why this Hyper-Happy son makes me want to cry, because it reminds me of those times. Episodes of my life that are so bizarre and unbelievable, remembering them is like re-living a nightmare, or being in some alternate universe where crazed people do crazy things to survive and to save the ones they love.

I’ve never told anyone about those crazy times in my life. The things I’ve seen and done and endured, trying to help him.

During those days it was as if I lived in a secretive, shadowy world where I became someone no one would recognize. On the surface I was the same old person everyone knew–quiet, responsible, reasonable. But when I walked on the wild side of addiction with my son, I was anything but that.

I think that’s why I started this blog. Why I named it what I did. Not, as I had thought, had hoped, so I could sort things out and figure out a way to save my son. I want that too. I want that badly. But I think the real reason I created this blog was so I finally could let it all out. All the craziness I experienced. Bring it to the surface, look at it in the light of day.

Maybe then I could come to understand it, this addiction, what it does to us, how it warps everyone around it.  Not just him.  Me too. Me as much as him.

Maybe then I could find the healing I’m looking for. Heal this terrible guilt and grief and dread. Heal the craziness. And make myself immune to it.

I don’t want to be crazy anymore. I don’t want to be drawn into that world. But I don’t want my son to have to walk through that nightmare landscape by himself either. Alone and crazed.

I want all that craziness to be behind us. But I fear it isn’t. I see its face, lurking in the shadows. Waiting for me around the next corner. Curled beneath the covers in the next room. Peering out at me, tomorrow morning, when I open the door.

[For the rest of the story, read the posts below]

Thank God My Son’s in Jail

He’s Home. Now What?

 

318 thoughts on “Am I Crazy? Or Is He? – How Addiction Warps Us

  1. Nice post, and very thought provoking. I hope you and your son find some peace soon and an end to the debilitating cycle of trauma cased by substance abuse. Substance abuse is such a sterile term, any substance that gets you high is abused the moment you take it in my opinion, because that high should be created from within. I have dabbled with some drugs myself before (4-5 times) and abused alcohol all my adult life (i’m 32) and have recently decided to try to move past it all once and for all. But it’s not easy. Unfortunately the drugs and alcohol are not the problem in your sons case i’m sure but the solution (albeit wrong solution) for the real problem that is reality. How can your son build a decent life which values the good things in life, that’s the key here, but i know it’s easy to say and when you are in the grips of an addiction rationality tends to go out of the window. Well done for being so brave, and I hope your son appreciates how you’ve helped him someday. I think the spirituality is a good aim and those books sounds like a good way forward for now, best of luck!

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  2. There are the coda-groups for relatives of addicts. Coda means CO-Dependency Anonymous. You can learn the address by calling the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) in your town.

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  3. I am a sixth year med student on my psychiatry rotation, and I’m rotating through substance abuse wards this week. I want to thank you for a post that has taught me more than what I’ve read in books. We see patients in the wards and maybe we even see their families, but we don’t really see what you go through at home. I don’t want to intrude or give unwelcome advice, because I’m just a student and I’m not a mother either. But I want to wish you all the best and I hope that you and your son will get the love, support and help that is needed.

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      • I am a young girl who has the disease of addiction. I have also put my family through a lot of pain in my active using days.
        I think what you have written is amazing. It reminds me of what I do not want to go back to. For my sake and for my family’s.
        I work a recovery program every day, it is a constant struggle, but the longer I am clean, the more I grow and begin to feel and enjoy things I never thought I could before.
        I relate to your son a lot, and I hope that he will find recovery like I have.
        Your love and support will one day be seen by your son.
        My warped way of thinking had me in denial, which at the time, I felt there was no choice but to use.
        I couldn’t handle the guilt about the things I did while using, so I needed to use more to try and stop that too.
        I needed to use because I felt like such a burden for my sick behaviour.
        I still have days that I believe it will be different if I use one more time – that I can control my using and my behaviour. But I know that’s impossible. It’s just crazy, when I’m in a bad headspace for too long, I truly believe that my addiction has been exaggerated by other people and that I’m different from everyone else. My thinking just spirals and I soon think that using is my only option again.
        I love the word warped – it describes our thinking and beliefs down to a ‘t’.
        I have been clean for over 11 months now, and my mum still cries every time we talk about how I was in active addiction.

        I am so grateful to have read this, your honesty and pain inspires me to stay
        Clean.

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        • Dear Georgett, thank you for writing. What you say about the guilt is so true. I see this with my son, how the guilt he feels for how he’s treated me at times, and how he’s disappointed me, is eating him up, and a major cause for him continuing to use. Sometimes I wonder if I should stay out of his life just so he won’t be able to “emotionally abuse” or “disappoint” me, thus not adding to his guilt and need to use. On the other hand, he’s told me that knowing I’m there loving him no matter what has given him strength and kept him from dying, because he doesn’t want me to have to suffer through his death.

          I like the word “warped” too, because I see my son in his “unwarped” state, as he truly is, know that the “warped” image is not who he truly is, its only him seen through his addiction, his hurt and anger and pain. I know that’s “not him.” And I believe the same is true about you and others who suffer from the things that warp what is true about us. That’s the thing I hope my son comes to know and love and pull him away from the drugs, who he truly is, which is a beautiful thing, worth fighting for and preserving. Bless you in your effort to stay clean and to perceive that “clean” image of yourself, who you truly are, unwarped and beautiful. And thank you so much for writing here and sharing your story.

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  4. I’ve always said, in my Thesis about Mental Illness too, that client/patient support needs support too. I hope you find that in this online community.

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  5. i can totally relate to this blog on both sides, the parent and the child. My mom watched me do the same thing as this for years and years. Suboxone was/is a miracle medication for me. Although some may not agree i honestly feel like i wouldnt of gotten this far without it. Im now tapering off and regret ever starting it. Anyways there are alot of support groups online i turn to as well as meetings and the rooms of recovery. My parents cut me off completely this time i got sober and i honestly beleive its made me stronger. Now with almost a year of sobriety i have my family back and everything and more. If your son isnt ready, unfortunatley you cant push it on him. Hang in there!! your blog is an inspiraton for me as well 🙂

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    • I’ve been hearing that a lot lately about how much Suboxane has helped people recover from Heroin addiction. That’s what I am hoping will help him, so I appreciate your vote of confidence. I am so glad you have your family back, If you don’t mind me asking, how did them cutting you loose make you stronger?

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      • It made me stronger by realizing that i have lost everything , when my family supported me the first few rehabs then it was like they didn’t see me trying which is true. My mom told me it was really hard to cutt me loose, but she was exhausted and done. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. My dad use to say to me your making your mother sick. So i realized that shit i better do something before i kill myself. My mom was very codependent on me..as i was to her

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  6. Going through this same thing with my little brother! We are on year two and it’s been rough.. addiction is a battle like no other, unfortunately not only for the one with the problem.
    Thank you so much for your words- positive thoughts headed your way.

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  7. Reblogged this on Rational Serenity and commented:
    This is dead on. Contemplating the emotional damage I have caused to my loved ones during my drug use is painful and uncomfortable, but a necessary part of moving forward.

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  8. Thank you for your blog, for your honesty, for the way that you love your son. There is hope. This is not your fault. Find a group for you- I know all tough words. We’re parents and we love our kids. I’ll be praying for you. The walk on the other side of all this is worth it so hold on to hope, prayer and faith. And let people in. You’ll be amazed how many people close to you are wearing the same mask and hurting just like you. Last and maybe you’ve already tried it, but just in case you haven’t, I recommend you move him to some place like teen challenge for men. If not there, then some place else, but move him. He needs more than you can give. I’m sorry. I don’t even know you but I’ve been there. If you get him somewhere, write daily, weekly, whatever you can do, tell him how much you love him but let God do the rest. I really will be praying for you.

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  9. I am a young girl who has the disease of addiction. I have also put my family through a lot of pain in my active using days.
    I think what you have written is amazing. It reminds me of what I do not want to go back to. For my sake and for my family’s.
    I work a recovery program every day, it is a constant struggle, but the longer I am clean, the more I grow and begin to feel and enjoy things I never thought I could before.
    I relate to your son a lot, and I hope that he will find recovery like I have.
    Your love and support will one day be seen by your son.
    My warped way of thinking had me in denial, which at the time, I felt there was no choice but to use.
    I couldn’t handle the guilt about the things I did while using, so I needed to use more to try and stop that too.
    I needed to use because I felt like such a burden for my sick behaviour.
    I still have days that I believe it will be different if I use one more time – that I can control my using and my behaviour. But I know that’s impossible. It’s just crazy, when I’m in a bad headspace for too long, I truly believe that my addiction has been exaggerated by other people and that I’m different from everyone else. My thinking just spirals and I soon think that using is my only option again.
    I love the word warped – it describes our thinking and beliefs down to a ‘t’.
    I have been clean for over 11 months now, and my mum still cries every time we talk about how I was in active addiction.

    I am so grateful to have read this, your honesty and pain inspires me to stay
    Clean.

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  10. Thank you for sharing, I am in recovery 11 years and I know the hell of addiction.Writing a blog of my experiences in life is what helps me focus on living right today.I am new at this blogging but not writing, I have alot of emotional wounds that I thought were scars of the past but when I begin to write my experience the wound opens again as if I am there again,this helps me to feel, really feel the pain so I can express it in words, then seeing it in writing the past no longer as power over me. “You can not love him sober” so many parents think this will happen but unfortunately it almost always causes a relapse until they want,need to live sober for themselves. I am sure you know all the recovery jargon but I am glad you can get it all out here.on WordPress.

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    • Thank you! And congratulations for your 11 years in recovery. You are so right about how blogging about these experiences opens the wounds again. I’m hoping this will be healing for me. Sometimes after blogging I do feel relief, and especially when I read all the loving comments and encouragement. But sometimes it leaves me feeling drained and raw and I wonder if I should be doing this. Do you ever wonder that?

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  11. Ah, I feel badly for what you’re going through. I hope that you get the support that you need as well as your son.

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  12. I couldn’t help but think of my children when I read about your son. The love and devotion we mother’s have for our children is arguably the strongest force on earth.

    I am so grateful to have read your thoughts, especially just before Mother’s Day. Keep persevering for your son. He needs you, even though he can’t see that clearly. May God be with you.

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  13. I wish all the love and power for you and yours. We went through it with my brother so I understand – at least from the point of view of a sister, what it’s like to deal with an addict. It’s hard to stick at it, as it’s so draining, with the ups and downs and in betweens. They say that the only way out is through and I assume you have your supports in place – but maybe your son should read this blog to see how he affects you and others around him? (Just a thought.)

    On the one hand – you want to escape all the craziness or jolt them by slapping some sense into them (if possible!) – but on the other hand, you would like to think that someone would be there for you if the shoe was on the other foot.

    Nicely written and you definitely brought back a lot of memories. Courage!

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    • Thank you for writing. I think us mothers sometimes forget how this addiction affects siblings. I know my daughter suffers from this craziness too. I also appreciate you you understand the dilemma we are in–wanting to slap them and support them at the same time. Much love to you and yours.

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  14. Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed! Addiction and mental illness are family diseases and it is brave people like you that will help educate the public and make a long-term difference.

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  15. The experience of having a family member under the influence of alcohol or drugs is a jittery road filled of tears, fear, worries,and anguish moments that cannot be repremented. My parents, siblings, and my self share such a story, my older brother suffered from drug addition and it affected everyone.

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  16. My son’s partner and someone I love very much has been sober/drug free for 199 days. I know every single day is hard but he is persevering. His AA&NA meetings, having a sponsor and our support seems to keep him in check. I am sorry about your son. I wish you both nothing but the best. I hope he can see how much he is loved and can work his way to a healthier, happier life. Positive energy your way.

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  17. Reading this post brought tears to my eyes. I don’t comment on many posts, but this really hit home for me. Your son’s cycle with drugs, depression, and anger reminds me a lot of my struggle with bipolar and BPD (borderline personality disorder). My “highs” can be insanely productive, but from an outsider’s perspective they can be utterly terrifying. Everything is amplified, and even if I’m “happy,” there’s always this lingering tension in the air, because with every extreme high, there was always an extreme low and an explosion of unimaginable rage. I would fly from hyper-“happy”-energetic-on top of the world-invincible me to manic-frantic-shifty eyed-volitile-furious-terrifying me to “the world is ending”-drown in my own tears-depressed me; all in the blink of an eye…
    For years and years before I faced my demons, I thought that that’s just the way it was and nothing I (or anyone) did could ever change it. Because of that, I put my entire family through hell… and the worst part was, there were moments when I was completely unaware of the pain I caused, and there were moments when I actually thrived because of it. Looking back at it now, I have this sinking guilt for everything I put my family through, regardless of the fact that they were doing all they could to get me the help I needed.
    It took a while for me to get to the point where I could recognize and begin to manage my extreme swings, but in time I did. Now I am even more grateful for everything my parents did for me, especially my mom. One of the reasons why your post moved me so much is it reminded me of how my mom continues to support me to this day. I’ve moved out, I’m going to school and working, living relatively independently, and the only reason I’m able to do so is because of the determination and strength my mom helped me discover within myself. She stuck by me even when she didn’t know what to do or how to help me, when I was screaming bloody mary and breaking anything I could get my hands on. I know it was not easy to tolerate my mood swings or to witness my downward spirals, not knowing how to help; but no matter what, she didn’t give up on me. Once I opened my eyes and saw how much she cared, loved, and supported me, I began to care and love myself again, and in time I learned not give up on myself.
    [[I think maybe one of the reasons I don’t usually comment on many posts is because I start to ramble like this…]]
    Basically, I just wanted to say that even in those times when there is no “right” thing to do, even when it seems useless and that no matter what you do, nothing works; there is still hope (as generic and cliché as that sounds). Although recovery can’t be forced, once he makes that choice for himself, your support could give him the strength he needs to commit to it. I didn’t acknowledge it enough at the time, but without my mom I would never have made it this far. Your son may not see it now, but one day he will see how much you love and support him, and how big of a difference that can truly make.

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    • Thank you so much for writing to me and letting me know about your experience. I don’t know if my son is biplar, but when he’s been using drugs it does sound very much like what you’ve described here. I really helps me to hear how your mother standing by you even when she didn’t know how to help or that things would ever get better, how just standing with you during the worst helped you eventually when you were ready. It helps me to know that because I don’t know what else to do, but I can’t abandon him either. So thank you for writing, and BTW you did not seem like you were rambling at all. Every word hit home and helped me to understand things a little be better. Bless you and you mother.

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  18. There is no world like the world the addict lives in. I am sorry you had to see it through sober eyes. But from another addict, just you standing by your son, not giving up on him, I give you all of my love. Know that he needs you and inside he knows what he is doing to you as well as what he is doing to himself. There is no such thing as a happy addict. Sometimes we use just to keep a blind eye to what we are doing to the ones we love, truly love is the road to recovery and without you…..W.M.F.G.

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  19. Sending you prayers that you, your son and the whole family will be able to come up stronger with this. Like everything else, this too shall pass. I hope for the better if not the best, for you.

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  20. Addiction is the hardest thing to battle and very hard on the family. If my family had not been there for me I might not be here today. It took a long time and a lot of work on both sides but I was finally able to break through. I can’t tell you how many times I tried and failed but it all worked out. I know it’s hard but as long as you are safe be there for him just try not to enable him. Keep trying to remind him of the good times before all this and hopefully over a period of time he will remember that feeling and be willing to do the work to get clean. There are also a lot of great groups that will help you through this. I wish you all the best.

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  21. I happened upon this post, and felt like I needed to read it. Loving an addict is probably one of the hardest things that one can happen upon in this life. I dated an ex-addict on and off for three years. Though he’s been “sober” for nearly six years (I say “sober” because he has only physically been sober, mentally I would say otherwise), he struggles so much with his past that it put a wedge between us that was irreversible. I sought out counseling for myself to learn to cope with it, I went to Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings, and I tried to cope with it on my own as well. However, I learned that the only thing that helped in the end was letting God take the reigns. As hard as “letting go” is, sometimes that is the only thing that you can do to help. “Letting go” doesn’t mean that you cut him out of your life, it simply means that you let go of the control. You realize that there is nothing that you can do to help him, and you let God take control of the situation. As loved ones, we want to help them… but they can only help themselves. Know that you and your son are in my prayers. It breaks my heart to see stories like this. I know all too well the grip that addiction can have one a person, and I wish there was something that we could do to make it all disappear.

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  22. I am writing a series of books about opiate addiction. The story centers around the main character’s feelings and experiences as a recovering/relapsing addict.

    I had not thought so much about what all those who love her are going through. Now I feel I must incorporate her family’s emotional struggle to depict the situation in its grave entirety. As you point out, it doesn’t just happen to the addict.

    Thanks for being brave enough to share your painful feelings so freely. Know that by dong this you are helping people.

    My heart goes out to you.

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      • Yes, there is a stigma and fear associated heroin addicts. People need to remember there is still a human being inside the corrupted body.

        Your writing about it so frankly will definitely get through to those suffering and raise awareness. Opiate addiction is a national crisis and too many are enduring it in silence.

        Thanks for inviting me to share the link, but my series is still a work in progress. In the meantime, I invite all to my blog My Sweet Delirium at http://christawojo.com.

        I pray that you and your son get through this and that one day it will all be a bad memory that can be put behind you.

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  23. I am currently on Suboxone after trying 6 week high intensity treatment, NA, AA, therapy, and self help meditation. Get him to a Suboxone doctor as soon as possible

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  24. So, you would like to be immune. I have the answer.
    What if you had “proof” that, what we call “life” is really only a moment long. My grandmother told me that she went to bed 49, and woke up sixty! I never forgot that.
    Then there was the, so-called, (near) death experience, and answers. This answer will help make one “immune”…… If life is, call it…..10 minutes long…..how tough would it REALLY be to: be good, help people, love (everyone), (give away everything you own??), and more. In addition, the more you give, the more you get. What could be more perfect?
    Your piece was “moving”, really. Your telling made it “real”. Hang in there, it’s only going to be another moment.

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  25. you may also want to try going to a children of alcoholics meeting to get plugged in. It not about being a child or alcohol really. Its all based on how to best deal with people you love in a loving way that keeps you sane and allows them their dignity. It s a wonderful program.

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  26. You are such an amazing mother, and an incredibly strong woman. I am literally in tears by your love, hope, and perseverance. [hugs]

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  27. I am quite certain I found you and this post tonight as I was mindlessly scrolling through my Reader- by divine intervention. I just posted on my blog tonight that I have published my very private, very personal memoir about growing up with a mentally-ill mother. The mania, the highs, the lows, the eyes, the craziness, all of it. Your words jumped off the page and right into my heart tonight because I have lives every minute of it. Bless you. If you have any interest at all in reading my story, give my blog or thumbnail a click. I just posted the link to it tonight, of all nights. Best~ Julie

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    • Thank you for writing. I will check out your book. I can’t imagine being a child and having to live with that. My heart goes out to you. The more I read, the more I’m beginning to believe that my son has an underlying mental condition that has been contributing to his addiction. I don’t know which stigma is worse, for addiction or mental illness. I do know that we as a society needs to be addressing both of the problems with more resources and understanding.

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      • I so agree. I just included that- the needing further understanding, in my post announcing the publication of my first book on the subject. May is actual Mental Illness Awareness Month. And I have discovered being so intimately involved with Mental Illness, that very often addiction is a byproduct, coping mechanism, or for whatever other reasons exist, they seem to often accompany each other. Best to you and your family. Do let me know what you think of my book. It was very hard to relive some of those moments, but my hope is that it will connect with others who suffer through the destruction of mental illness.
        Best~ Julie

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        • As I’m doing more research, I’m beginning to think my son has borderline personality disorder, and that may be the underlying problem feeding his addiction. He also has ADHD, and suffers from panic attacks. It’s probably all connected. There are so many co-occurring conditions, it appears. Why don’t we know more about this? You’d think everyone would get a mental-health check-up along with an annual physical. On the other hand, it’s like I’ve been waiting forever for him to recover from addiction so we can treat the other conditions he has, like ADHD and Hep C. And for most of his adult life he hasn’t been living in a stable environment, off and on the streets, rehabs, jail–how does he get treatment in those places? It’s such a mess. But thanks for for writing again!

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  28. Thank you for your honest posting. You describe addiction and the ‘warping’ to a t. It’s so scary to see this personality change and scarier still to continue down this roady day by day and not cut your love one loose. I think that this is where society has gone wrong. As families, we need to stick together. I don’t buy into codependency. Of course, you are codependent, so to speak, with the people that you care deeply about. And with drugs like heroin, there is no bottom. So we all have to invest the time and energy to learn everything we can about addiction as a disease and arm ourselves with tools to conquer it.

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    • I really appreciate what you’ve shared here. I go back and forth on the co-dependency thing. I really, really want to let go when I run out of option and there seems to be no hope. But I just can’t do it. I can’t abandon him at the worst times of his life. And yet I have to find a way to help without enabling, as I know I’ve done. It’s so hard. I’m really trying to understand more about this disease and also about the underlying conditions. Maybe as you say, we will find the tools to conquer it.

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