Four Months Clean, and Struggling

Cc photo by Katy Silberger flickr-3503359255-original

Photo by Katy Silberg – Creative Common

I’m so proud of my son. Last night I took him out for dinner and he ordered a beer. When it came, he told the waiter he had changed his mind, and ordered a coke instead. I was so relieved. So was he. We were both relieved that he’d the strength to do that. On such a bad night.

His new girlfriend had just left him.

He came home from work that night and all her stuff was gone. Out of the blue. It was a blow, and he was crushed. They’d been living together with her three-year old son, mostly in motels. But they were looking for an apartment to rent together. She’d sounded so happy the week before when they were visiting us. Her little son, who is such a doll, was calling me “grandma.” I was helping her look for apartments to rent. We had become friends. Then this.

They may be getting back together. He doesn’t know yet, but they are talking.

I hope they don’t. This is the second time she’s left suddenly like that with no explanation, no warning. She doesn’t use drugs or drink, but I think she may have mental issues. She’s very vague about her past. We really know nothing about her. When he met her, she was staying at a homeless shelter. It sounded like she was running away from a bad relationship, someone who had been abusing her. But I think there’s more to it than that. I think she may be someone who is looking for love, and running away from it at the same time.

I feel for her, and for her little son. But I worry about mine. I think he needs to let her go this time. Not try to get her back.

My heart has been aching all day for him.

On top of this, his daughter turns two years old next week and her mother won’t let him see her. She won’t even tell him where they are living. They keep in touch by phone, and he’s trying to stay in her good graces so she won’t sever that contact. But he’s worried. He thinks she using heroin again. She talks crazy sometimes. She berates him for not being in his daughter’s life.

He says, “How can I be, you won’t tell me where you are living!”

She says, “I wouldn’t let that stop me, if I was in your place.” It makes no sense!

He pays child support, but she wants money on the side, and he wires it to her! I tell him he shouldn’t. But he’s afraid if he doesn’t, she’ll disappear for good and he’ll never see his daughter again. At least she sends him photos once in a while.

I tell him he should call Child Supportive Services. But he wants to wait until he has a place to live so if it comes to that he’ll be able to get custody of his daughter. It’s all so complicated.

Just a week ago I was planning this post–how wonderful everything was: four months clean, looking for an apartment with the woman he’s falling in love with, a sweet little boy in his life, being a dad to him. He was happy, hopeful. So much to celebrate, it seemed.

Still, there’s one thing to celebrate: Despite all he’s been struggling with these last few months, he’s stayed clean. That alone is well worth celebrating.

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14 thoughts on “Four Months Clean, and Struggling

  1. You are right…four months of clean time is a huge accomplishment! My son got his 18-month chip last week and it was such a proud moment. I’ve been following your blog for a while now and am so glad to see his progress. I hate that his heart is broken but you are right to hope they don’t reunite. It sounds like she has more problems than he needs right now. I know that my son’s sponsor advised him to stay away from a serious relationship until he had a year of clean time under his belt. He didn’t listen to that advice and got involved with a girl who broke his heart, which led to a relapse. But he got back on the horse, waited until he had a year of clean time and is now dating a girl who he likes very much. Your son needs to focus on his own recovery now – and you need to focus on yours! Please tell him that this stranger is proud of him and is thinking of him every day. It’s been amazing to see how the pieces of my son’s life started to fall into place after he hit the one-year mark…a year of thinking with a clear mind, not altered by heroin and other drugs allowed him to start making good choices for himself. Hang in there…one day at a time! You are both well on your way to a bright, drug-free future!

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  2. Oh, what a blow 😦 That’s just so hard. Staying clean & sober in itself is like swimming upstream, and then to have to deal with disappointments piling up too is just so freaking unfair. I’m proud of your son for continuing to stay sober and for trying to better his situation. I hope and pray things get better and easier soon! Hang in there…it really does get better. Right foot, left foot, breathe.

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  3. I’m so sorry for the heartache both you and your son are experiencing. No matter how old our kids get, we’ll always worry about them and always hurt when they hurt. But what a great thing that he stuck to his sobriety even in such a difficult time. I will say a prayer for him.

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