Six Months Later on this Crazy Roller Coaster Ride

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I last posted six months ago, celebrating a full year of recovery for my son and his marriage to “the love of his life” and her young son. So much has happened since then. From this dizzying peak, there was a wild downward swoop as his new bride and son disappeared from his life, and a crazy chaotic climb as he gained custody of his two-year old daughter when her mother went to jail.

His bride took off after they had a big fight, as had been her practice in the past when they were dating–backing away and coming back. But this time, although they stayed in touch by phone, she refused to see him, or come back. Then she moved out of town. Now he seldom hears from her, although he sends her gifts and money occasionally. He’s pretty much accepted the fact that this is the end of their so-called “marriage.” We’ve known for a long time she had mental health issues, and he’d hoped when they married he’d finally be able to get her the help she needed. But that wasn’t to be.

I sometimes wish I’d been more discouraging of the whole “let’s get married” idea from the start. I did try to discourage both of them, but maybe I should have pushed harder. Now I realize that if I had talked him our of it, he’d be thinking, if only I hadn’t listened to my mother, If only I’d married her like I wanted, then maybe she wouldn’t have taken off this time. He’d be full of regrets and resentment, no doubt.

So now at least he knows he did all he could to show how committed he was to her and their relationship. The fact that still wasn’t enough shows it probably never would have worked out between them no matter how hard he, or she, tried.

And maybe it was a blessing, for only a few months later he found out that his daughter’s mother was going to jail, and he would need to become the fulltime caretaker of his two-year old daughter.

They’ve been living with us since June now. In so many ways this has been good for him–strengthening his recovery and giving him someone to love and cherish, who needs him and depends upon him. Having her in his life makes him a better man, gives him purpose and resolve and the determination to provide a safe, stable, and loving home for her.

It’s been wonderful for me too, having them both here under our roof, getting to know this amazing two-year-old, falling in love with her, seeing my son healthy and happy, working two jobs, six days a week. It’s been tough at times, going to court, dealing with visitations with the mother and the other grandmother, babysitting an active toddler when I’m so used to a quiet, contemplative life. But I know I’ll miss them when they move out. And I worry about them, how he will cope as a single father, working full time. How they will make ends meet, how they will manage without me there to care for her.

I worry too about what will happen when the mother is released and tries to regain custody. No one, not even her own mother, wants the child to be in her care again. The circumstances of her incarceration are very troubling, and it’s clear she too needs some serious therapy and mental health care.

The roller coaster ride we’ve been on these last 16 years or so with my son’s addiction and recovery is still going strong, still full of hair-raising curves, and exhilarating heights, and stomach-churning drops. The stable, serene life I’ve been hoping for him is still on the distant horizon.

But right now, right here, is a very good place to be. And I’m thankful for this turn of events. The future–while still full of twists and turns, and many daunting hurdles–has an unmistakable hopeful glow.

On Loving an Addicted Child

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Migrant Mother (1936) by Dorothea Lang

I found this poem on a Facebook site for mothers of addicted children. It spoke to me and I wanted to share it with you. Many thanks to Jacqui for allowing me to do so.